The Mike’s Top Ten Favorite FMs

As per the usual in my articles, spoilers abound.  While I will try to avoid the really big stuff (and most likely fail miserably) I advise that you read with caution.  I’m a big jerk.

First of all, I’ve tried to avoid writing this list for a while.  I’ve been sticking to mostly quirky top ten lists because, frankly, that’s what people want to read.   I’m not nearly conceited* enough to think that anyone actually gives a flying-crane-kick-to-the-skull about how I would assign the numbers 1 through 10 to my own nerdfully handpicked group of Thief FMs that most blew my mind and scattered my brain matter throughout the room like confetti at some horrible tissue-tape parade (let me take this time to warn you that you should avoid reading my analogies if you have recently eaten).  But with all this number assigning I’ve been doing lately, I couldn’t help but think about “the big one”.  My top ten Best Ever.  What would they be?  Perhaps more importantly, what wouldn’t they be??   Who would get left out???  What would I label number 1???!  Will my opening paragraph have enough question marks???????OMG????
*Though I am a little conceited, if that hand painted portrait hanging over my desk of myself wrestling a Tyrannosaurus to the ground is anything to go by.

So much that demanded answering, it was only a matter of time before I gave in.  Naturally, as a reviewer, I’m physically incapable of keeping my opinions to myself; so now you have to read them.   Well okay, you don’t have too, but you’ve already gone this far.  Give IN to the sheer morbid curiosity.  Also, there’s someone giving out cupcakes at the bottom of the page, if you scroll down now you might catch them.

One more thing before I start:

Let me note that these are nothing more than my ten personal favorites for whatever reason, and I fully realize that, being as humanity unfortunately does not yet share a borg-esque hive mind, your favorite missions will most likely be entirely different.  I’m not saying that these are the top ten absolute best ever, no questions asked, and if you were to climb to the top of mount Sinai God would write the names of these ten missions on a slab of stone with lightning shot from Heaven.  In the event of disagreeing with me, please avoid words ending in “-hole” or “-bag”…or “-wad”…and also the word “flagitious”, because I don’t know what it means and therefore find it offensive.
Oh, and I’m not including T2X because I consider it a new official game in the Thief canon more than a group of fan missions.  Just for the record though: if I was including it, it would be number 1, and I would fill my paragraph about it with so many loving adjectives and affection that every member of the T2X team would file a preemptive restraining order against me.

10. Benny’s Dead

Why I love it: There’s something to be said about a mission where the antagonists are a race of slimy mutated munchkins who live in the sewer and speak in nothing but long strings of obscenities shouted in high-pitched chipmunk voices.   I mean, is there any better way to make your mission truly memorable then by giving it some of the most offensive enemies of all time?  That isn’t it though, every facet of this mission is incredibly memorable: the layout of the city, the devious guard placement, that incredible ending, the hilarious cover story the cops devise for Benny’s Death (”He shot himself while cleaning his bow”)…just, everything!  This is one of the few missions I’ve played where, even years later, I can vividly remember my first play through.   More than that, I CAN REMEMBER THE FREAKING WEATHER OUTSIDE THAT DAY.  This is coming from someone who can’t remember what he had for breakfast most mornings (I’m not even sure if I’m wearing pants right now…).  That’s how much of an impact this had on me the first time I played it.

Favorite moment: The first time I saw the small shadowy figure of one of the sewer dwelling creatures I had read about earlier in the mission lumbering towards me from the darkness, my stomach filling with dread, only to hear it shout “SHUT THE F*CK UP” at me in a chipmunk-like timbre.  I don’t think I’ve ever gone so quickly from being terrified to nearly choking to death with laughter.

If every videogame enemy was as offensive as these, no monocle on the face of an easily offended prude would ever be safe again.

9. The Den

Why I love it: The quickest way a mission can get to my heart is to give me a big mansion to explore which contains a really dark secret for me to uncover.  When it comes to dark secrets, they don’t get much darker than the mansion being alive and having a gateway to hell in the fireplace.  Oh yeah, and that mansion just so happens to be really awesome looking too, as made by Gaetane (the mastermind behind the L’Arsene series which this just so happens to be the final chapter of).  While the previous missions in the series are definitely worth playing, you could just as easily skip to this one and not really be missing out on much story-wise.  For the ending chapter to a four part series it stand on its own amazingly well!  The only downside?  That “You better keep your ARSE away from me!” pun Garrett makes at the start.   Really, Garrett?  That’s the best you can come up with?  How about “L’Arsene?  Mo’ like, L’ArseHOLE.”
or “I’m gonna kick L’Arse and chew L’bubblegum…and I’M ALL OUT OF L’BUBBLEGUM.”  You see the Pandora’s box you opened by choosing to go with a bad pun?   Now I’m going to be thinking of crap like this ALL NIGHT.

Favorite moment: The breathing fireplace.  I have to admit, this thing freaked me out.  I always found it funny though how if you led a guard through that room, he would be completely focused on killing you instead of being like “HOLY S**T A BREATHING FIREPLACE!”.  I’m sorry, that takes precedence over even thief-catching…or maybe I’d just make a horrible guard?

Alright I admit, those puns I made earlier sucked. Cut me some slack, I'm no ARSE-enio Hall. HEYOOO!

8. Whispers in the Desert

Why I love it: Apparently, I have a thing for mummies.  One day when I’m feeling particularly introspective I’m going to figure out exactly how far that goes and I’m going to be deeply disturbed, I’m sure.  But until then, MAN I love me some mummies!  If you have a similar secret mummy lust, it will be hard to find a mission more suited for you than “Whispers in the Desert”.  It’s chock full of mummy goodness, like Grandma’s cookies if you replaced the chocolate chips with shambling bandage-wrapped undead.  It also doesn’t hurt that it consistently looks face meltingly awesome, is dripping with atmosphere, and features one Indiana Jones reference…which is precisely the number of Indiana Jones references anything needs in order to achieve greatness.

Favorite moment: I’m tempted to say the set of traps ripped straight out of “Last Crusade” being as I’m a sucker for anything that gives me a reason to hum the Indy theme, but it probably has to be that room which gets flooded with sand, as it was just so damn epic.  I was humming the Indy theme during this section too so I guess I don’t really need much of an excuse after all*.
*I also hum it while I’m pumping gas, brushing my teeth, and waiting in line at the bank.

When will the world be ready to accept our forbidden love, mummies?!

7. Sepulcher of the Sinistral (for Thief Gold)

Why I love it: A little known fact: there were some REALLY kickass missions made for Thief 1, both before and after the release of Thief 2 (in this case, after).  “Sepulcher of the Sinistral” is easily my favorite.  Created by the author Doaal, who also created the classic “The Mystery Man”*, this mission is basically a bigger badder version of the fan-favorite official Thief mission “Down in the Bonehoard”.  Meaning: it’s a giant multileveled twist and turn filled tomb full of zombies and enigma, and one giant maze that probably drove at least one member of the Thief community into a permanent state of insanity.   It’s saying something though that as giant and cluttered as this tomb is, there is not one single room which I found boring.  There’s just SO MUCH to discover in this FM! You know what?  Just play it.  All this ranting about “amazing things to discover!” is starting to make me feel uncomfortably similar to Willy Wonka…and I don’t want to conjure any Oompa Loompas.
*Which in many ways was a precursor to the number one mission on my list. OH, THE FORESHADOWING!

Favorite moment: Even though it’s probably high up there on most player’s “least favorite FM moments” list, I’m going to have to go with that maze.  Even though I hate mazes, being disoriented, and feeling completely lost and overwhelmed…I loved it.  The way it ALWAYS leads you back to the entrance is just so lovably sadistic!  If I could see other players running around FMs playing them, I would lay in a lawn chair in front of this maze with a giant bowl of popcorn and spend all day laughing my ass off.

Though the maze is my favorite part, it doesn't exactly make for a thrilling screenshot. Instead, enjoy this awesome fountain. ENJOY IT DAMMIT.

6. The Seventh Crystal

Why I love it: I think absolutely everyone who wasn’t following Thief from the very beginning but currently plays every released Thief mission religiously has had the exact same experience: at one point they downloaded “The Seventh Crystal”, saw that opening view of the mansion, and wondered “Why the hell did it take me so long to discover this game?”.  The fact is, this mission is a gateway drug into being a permanent Thief addict.  It would be bad enough if it was JUST that jaw dropping opening view, but it then leads you into this dark hitchcockian thriller of a storyline that gets progressively more intriguing and nail-bitingly tense (and yes- tear jerking…or so I heard from a friend…being a broadsword wielding man’s man I hadn’t realized it myself, of course…).  Then, just to ensure that you spend the rest of that night staring bloodshot-eyed at a monitor downloading every FM in existence like some fever driven madman, it stays almost as incredible looking as that initial view throughout its entirety.

Favorite moment: What happens at the end of the catacomb section.  At the risk of being maybe a little too graphic, let me say that my bowels were instantly evacuated.   I also have to give props to that opening view of the mansion.  Good God is it beautiful…I mean, just look at the screenshot!

THAT'S FROM NINE YEARS AGO, BABY.

5. Broken Triad

Why I love it: Personally, I don’t see why so many people hate on sequels.   Just imagine, if you would, a world without sequels.  We would have no T-1000, the greatest subtitle of all time “Die Harder” wouldn’t exist, we would never know how Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan’s trip to Japan went, and Megatron?  Megatron would still be at the bottom of the f**kin’ OCEAN.  Not only that, but we wouldn’t have “Broken Triad”, the sequel to “Ominous Bequest” and one of the greatest FMs of all time!  This mission has everything: a museum heist, a murder mystery, one of the most memorable villains in FM history, bountiful quantities of zombies, even a fricken’ Stargate!  Yeah, sequels are great.  Prequels on the other hand can bite me.

Favorite moment: I don’t know why, considering there are countless incredible scripted events in this mission set, but the one part that really sticks with me is the moment in the crypts when you open up a coffin and the mummy inside turns its head and looks at you.  That’s a really iconic moment for me.  Hopefully not just because it involves mummies, because if that’s the case I’m starting to creep myself out at this point…

Well...okay...maybe that guard who's on fire and nailed to the wall of that building doesn't believe sequels are all that great.

4. Inverted Manse

Why I love it: There’s a simple recipe for creating near-limitless amounts of fun, and it is as follows: one holy sword and liberal amounts of zombies that explode like a pinata filled with fire crackers upon coming into contact with it.  This was first discovered by this mission’s author, Sledge, and let me tell you…the formula is perfect.  I urge you to consider playing this mission without the use of stealth.  Trust me, just for a while forget that you’re playing as Garrett- pretend you’re playing as Stabby McZombiekiller.  Load up this mission, set the difficulty to “Warrior”, shout “I WILL NOT SUFFER A ZOMBIE TO LIVE!”, take out the holy sword, and give each undead monster you see da’ business.  It only gets more fun once you find a certain weapon that allows you to judo-chop haunts to death!

Favorite moment: I’m really fond of the moment where you have a run-in with “Little Timmy” the closet dwelling child zombie…but…you can’t really beat the moment that comes later where you fight a zombie riding on a dinosaur.   I mean…who could possibly not consider that the coolest thing in the world?!  If you were to ask the Dalai Lama “What’s more fantastic than a zombie riding a dinosaur?” he would backhand you and proclaim “Absolutely nothing, that’s what!”.  Then he would probably ride away on a dinosaur…and solve mysteries.  I think I just came up with an awesome idea for a TV show.

Stacking the gibs of your enemies to further prove your dominance is entirely optional.

3. Calendra’s Legacy

Why I love it: There’s been a lot of debate in the Thief community about whether or not the early Thief FM masterpiece “Calendra’s Legacy” holds up all that well, now that the “wow” factor has finally worn off.   In my opinion, the fact that it’s been eight years and said wow-factor is just now beginning to wear off makes that all kind of a moot point.  I admit, I can’t help but view it with rose colored glasses firmly super-glued to my face.   Playing this mission for me doesn’t just conjure up unavoidable fond memories, it’s like being cornered in an alley with no exits and being mercilessly beaten with a heavy sack filled with nostalgia.  This is the first Thief 2 mission I ever played, and it blew away every preconception I had about what the talented FM author was capable of.  Yes it has forced ghosting.  Yes the bizarre way the gameplay is set up in the second mission makes exploration irritating.  And yes, Garrett’s girlfriend Mercedes is a shallow 2d cut-out of a character.  You know what?  I choose not to care.  This mission got me into FMs and therefore I love it unconditionally.

Favorite moment: Hearing the Garrett impersonator (Thief voice actor extraordinaire “Loanstar”) in the briefing movie and thinking “Holy crap, did this guy actually get Stephen Russell to record new lines?”.  Hahaha…hoo boy…God I was stupid.

Um...your pic at Match.com was much younger. Why is the door locked?!

2. The Seven Sisters

Why I love it: In making this list, it probably hurt the most cutting “Rowena’s Curse” from the final standings.  I had a good reason why of course: as much as I loved it, I hate objectives where you have to carry people.   I find it irritating when you have to carry someone across a room and in RC you have to carry someone from the pits of hell* to the mission’s front gate.  Luckily though, the sequel features no gratuitous body carrying.  Instead it features a beautiful and gigantic city to explore, eyeball popping visuals, zombies (sweet, precious zombies), and a moment involving a baby burrick that’s more gut-wrenchingly adorable and heart warming than a whole army of puppies and kittens hugging while it rains lollipops and hallmark cards.  And did I mention the zombies?
*…And this is all to save a character who, after being saved from becoming a human sacrifice by you, jumps up and yells “OH NO A THIEF”.

Favorite moment: The whole baby burrick thing.  I’m normally not the type to get all mushy but IT’S JUST SO DAMN ADORABLE.  That sound it makes when it’s trapped tears me up inside.  If you don’t find this storyline touching, you might want to invest in one of those “soul” things everyone is talking about.  I also like when you travel to the evil alternate dimension and feed the possessed child to a pack of man-eating spiders…though that’s considerably less adorable.

And to think, just last FM you were the final boss. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

1. Ominous Bequest

Why I love it: As far as I’m concerned, this isn’t just the greatest FM ever, it’s gaming perfection.  It’s expertly paced, it tells a complete and satisfying story, it’s scary, it’s funny, it’s exciting…it basically is everything I expect from a game over the course of 20-something hours wrapped up into the best 3 hours of gaming I’ve ever experienced.  This is the “Citizen Kane” of Thief FMs.  It turns reviewers like me into raving lunatics who can’t help but act as if it’s on fire and the only way to put it out is to douse it with buckets of glowing praise.  I haven’t even allowed myself to write a full review for it because I know it will be one gigantic run-on sentence comprised mostly of positive adjectives and analogies which are meant to be positive but (being as they were written in a state of drunken’ adoration-induced delirium) are completely meaningless.   Don’t believe me?  AND I QUOTE from a work in progress “Ominous Bequest” review I have lying around: “wonderfully first-class rockin’ badass brain-splatteringly amazing, like a giant delicious pie full of racecars that runs on Batman!”.  And that’s the most coherent sentence I could find.  Seriously.

Favorite moment: It has to be the ending.   I mean, it would be cool enough if it was just a dramatic climb up to the rafters of a haunt-infested chapel while the “Phantom of the Opera” theme was being hammered away on an organ in the background, but then it’s made even better by the big baddie’s spectacular fireball of a death scene.  This should just be a general rule of thumb for everything: the main bad guy should ALWAYS explode at the end.  Because it’s one thing to defeat them, it’s entirely another to beat them so soundly that their head turns into a mini-nuclear device.

SO...INSPIRING...CAN'T...LOOK...AWAY.

And there you have it! My own personal Top 10 Ever list.  It really says something about this community that almost everyone will have their own Top 10 list which is drastically different.  But still, if you happen to be new to FMs, these 10 are a great place to start.  And uh…if you just scrolled down to the bottom of this article to find whoever was giving out cupcakes down here, you JUST missed them.  However, I heard from a reliable source that they were planning on coming back for anyone who posted comments on this article.  It would be a shame if you missed out on that…(yeah, this is gonna work.  I can feel it.)