The Mike’s Top Ten Favorite Crazy FMs

I’d like to start this out with a question for frequent players of Thief fan missions: how many times have you played a mission where you had to break into a Victorian-era mansion, steal something expensive, and then leave via the front gate?  Your answer is probably some large sounding made-up number like “fifty gabillion” or “never”, and in the case of the second answer you would be lying and are a horrible person.  Now how many times have you played a mission where you are dropped onto a strange alien planet run by killer robots?  Or a mission where you open a door only to be attacked by someone who has a carrot for a face?  Much lower number right?  For those of you saying “no” right now, STOP TRYING TO KILL MY SEGUE DAMN YOU!

What I’m trying to get to here is that Thief missions tend to settle into one of a few proven formulas and don’t stray very far from them.  Of course, the reason for this is pretty obvious considering that those proven gameplay formulas kick unquantifiable amounts of ass, but every now and then I love to see a Thief mission that dares to be different and full of robots.  With that said, I present unto you my top ten favorite crazy Thief FMs.  There’s a whole lotta crazy headed your way, be brave and don’t look them directly in the eye (they bite).

10.  The Haunting

How does it rank on the crazy-o-meter? When I say that this FM (which has you playing as a ghost who can walk through walls and features gameplay mechanics such as dodging exorcists and over-salting bowls of soup) ranks lowest on my craziness scale out of all the missions on this list…well…that just shows you the depths of insanity all of the other missions I’ve assembled here sink to.  You’re entering crazy country, please refrain from picking up hitchhikers.

Craziness aside, how does it play? I’d be lying if I said this mission ranked high on the fun scale, just because its gameplay is so repetitive and never really exceedingly thrilling (as I said, a great deal of it involves dropping salt into someone’s soup as a sort of scare tactic…cuz y’know…when I think “over-seasoned soup” my next thought is inevitably “restless poltergeists”) but this is one of my favorite missions purely for showing off how inventive the Thief community is.  The scripting* is absolutely amazing and it certainly doesn’t play quite like anything else out there, retail or otherwise.
*For those of you who don’t know what “scripting” means, it’s some kind of crazy voodoo level designers use to make neat stuff happen…and to try to steal your soul through your monitor.  It can look awesome but keep a crucifix handy.

Enjoy your OVER SEASONED SOUP, MORTAL! BWAHAHAHA.

9.  Incubus

How does it rank on the crazy-o-meter? If I was ranking these missions purely on how utterly nuts they were, this would be a real contender for the number 1 spot.  This mission is without a doubt 100% off its freaking rocker insane.  I mean like chasing-the-cat-around-the-house-with-a-hair-dryer-while-shouting-in-Tasmanian-devil-speak insane.  It opens with you fighting off a group of guards who have had their heads replaced with vegetables and later has you (amongst other things) fighting against a guard the size of the Cloverfield monster, crashing a disco party, out-running a gigantic snowball, and looting a small mansion for 1,000,000 loot…seriously*.
*No…seriously.

Craziness aside, how does it play? Incubus was released for the not quite inappropriately named “Crap FM Contest”, a contest based around creating the most irritating to play and badly designed mission possible.  Unfortunately for the author, he screwed up and actually made his mission fun.  When it came to pure badness, it just couldn’t contend with the likes of such heavy weights as “Kill the Guard” and “Get Your Blackjack back lol”, both of which achieved  watching-paint-dry levels of excitement and looked so awesomely bad they led to random bleeding of the eyeballs.  Luckily for us though, we now have a spectacularly insane theme park ride of a mission that might not be top-notch when it comes to gameplay, but mostly makes up for that with it’s unparalleled unpredictability*.  It’s all the fun of a terrifying drug trip, and you’ll be able to pass that pee-in-a-cup test the next day at work!  What’s not to love?
*Say that five times fast right now.  In fact, say that five times fast while looking into a mirror with the lights off and let me know if it summons a monster.

When you breed with vegetables, it's your children that suffer.

8.  The Masque of the Red Death

How does it rank on the crazy-o-meter? It features a hammerite haunt dancing the Macarena, I don’t know where it would land on the crazy-o-meter, but on the holy crap that kicks ass-o-meter it’s somewhere between having a chainsaw for a hand and a porsche that shoots homing missles out of its headlights.

Craziness aside, how does it play? This mission is odd because it pretty much sums up everything I love about the small FMs released for the various FM-making contests, and yet is wasn’t even an entrant for one of them.  After a little more research* I realized that this actually made sense, considering it was designed for FM Contest 4, but missed the deadline.  So sadly, no trophy for it, and I doubt my soft whispers of “I wuv ooo” to it as I play are any consolation (or not at all disturbing).  Still, this mission would have been a contender, and I highly suggest it.  Oh yeah, and it’s based on a Edgar Allan Poe poem, so it’s best played with a glass of wine in one hand and a monocle held firmly to your rightmost eye (this would involve some extra hands, so you might want to consider rolling around in some radioactive material first).
*”research” meaning I checked the first sentence of the readme file and then played “World of Warcraft” for three hours.

'EEEEEEY MACERENA, AAAaaaIIIeeeee!

7.  The Great Tree

How does it rank on the crazy-o-meter? Okay, so this might not be “Incubus”, but a whole mission based around climbing a skyscraper-sized haunted tree is pretty far from the norm.  This is one of the first Thief levels to ever progress completely vertically, so it’s kind of ground breaking in that regard.  However, this mission is far better known for breaking something else.  Namely both of Garrett’s legs, repeatedly and in the most sadistic fashion possible.

Craziness aside, how does it play? Despite the fact that this mission is basically a falling-to-your-death simulator*, I can’t help but really like it.  There’s something I’ve always found charming about this FM.  Yeah, you have to wrestle with overly awkward rope arrow maneuvers and Thief’s flukey mantling mechanics on a constant basis and the price for missing a step is almost always a two minute fall followed by a loud splat, but as agonizing as it is, it gives me this nostalgic warm and fuzzy feeling every time I play it; probably because it was one of the first missions I ever played.  It’s like watching old home movies while someone repeatedly takes a crowbar to your kneecaps, and I mean that in a much nicer way than it sounds.
*I’m not exagerrating here, you really spend most of the mission hurtling downward at Mach speed praying for the ground to suddenly be made out of rubber (or maybe cotton candy, because how fantastic would that be!?)

If you are imagining what it would be like to fall from this height, don't worry- you will. 9,000 times.

6.  The Summit

How does it rank on the crazy-o-meter? This mission is extremely similar in its gameplay style to the last mission on this list, only a bit more bizarre thanks to the even more unusual setting of a sheer faced arctic mountain and the replacement of your rope arrows with a much more versatile grappling hook.  CRaaaAAAAZY, right?  ….Bah, it’s my list, SHUT UP.

Craziness aside, how does it play? Alright- this is the last mission I’m adding just because it dares to be vertical, but COME ON AUTHORS, WORK THAT Y-AXIS ALREADY!  This mission is pretty much the same concept as “The Great Tree”, in that you’re given an astronomically high obstacle with getting to the top being your main objective.  That concept has been polished and perfected here, mostly in the way that getting around is never overly difficult.  Falling to a horrible cringe inducing death is normally the fault of you not planning your jumps right, not because you’re expected to mantle on ledges at crazy odd angles that Garrett would apparently rather die than attempt to wrap his head around.  Even if you really suck at climbing though, it features a soothing classical soundtrack to help ease your blood pressure back down to normal levels.  I’m not sure who Patrick O’Hearn is, uncultured swine that I am, but you would have to be more caffeine than man to not find his stuff relaxing.

Suck grappling hook, mountain demon!!

5.  Abominable Dr. Dragon

How does it rank on the crazy-o-meter? This mission is one gigantic “WHAT THE F–K!?” moment.  One minute you’re being chased through a graveyard by flying statues that hurl human skulls, the next Boris Karloff’s Frankenstein is bursting through a door, then you find yourself fighting a monster made out of stained glass.  By the time you see the alien space ship you’re numbed to the point that you don’t even realize that there’s anything out of the ordinary happening.  I’m pretty sure that right now a fat Irishman is running through the bowels of the crazy-o-meter shouting about how it canna take much more.

Craziness aside, how does it play? “Abominable Dr. Dragon” is the first, and tragically if you ask me, last FM of the author known as ChiefDreams.  It’s a shame he never made anything else because here he shows signs of being a true mad genius (seriously, every time I try to picture this guy I get a stereotypical mad scientist wringing his hands together and cackling wildly in an underground laboratory).  Yes, it is essentially a typical “break in and grab the shiny thing” mission, but so much eccentricity is thrown at you it’s almost impossible to recognize it as such.  If you have never played it before, here is a drinking game you can play while running through this FM: get a few shots of your strongest liquor and place them by your computer, then load up the mission and pound one every time you think it’s reached the peak of its weirdness.  Trust me, no matter how late you start drinking, by the time your final objective is complete you’re going to be on the verge of falling over and probably directing slurred pick-up lines at your printer.

This is most likely where you will take your first shot.

4.  The Flying Age (Also known as the “The Abominable Flying Machines of Dr. Zeppelinger)

How does it rank on the crazy-o-meter? Personally I think this mission’s author “Sterlino” ranks higher on the crazy-o-meter than the actual mission does.  Though it features ghosts handing out enchanted swords and Garrett assembling an airplane from spare parts somehow in the same storyline, it doesn’t stand a chance against someone who loads up such a notoriously buggy and unwieldy program as DromEd and decides “You know what?  I’M GONNA MAKE A FULLY-FUNCTIONING AIRPLANE IN THIS SH-T.”  He probably then proceeded to go outside and make a working mech suit out of Lincoln Logs*.
*If you have never heard of them http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lincoln_Logs     They’re like legos, minus the colors, cool themes, and fun.

Craziness aside, how does it play? How well “The Flying Age” plays is almost a moot point being as the thing is just so mind-blowingly impressive from a technical aspect it’s hard to think about anything else.  Whenever you start to think “you know, this is a little easy” or “this area could have used more guards” the FM throws something like a parachuting sequence or a section that briefly puts you in control of a slightly-flyable biplane, and then all you can think is “OH MY GOD I’M FLYING WEEE I’M SUPERMAN, I’LL SAVE YOU LOIS” or something similar.  I’ll say that from what I remember of the FM outside of the stuff that was brain-meltingly impressive, it played pretty damn well.

...Now if I could just figure out which of these two levers doesn't cause me to stop abrubtly and plummet to the ground.

3.  Oracle of the Prophets

How does it rank on the crazy-o-meter? Oracle of the Prophets is probably the craziest mission you will ever play that actually is part of a storyline where, in context, it makes perfect sense.  Part of the “Keeper of the Prophecies” campaign, the mission has Garrett traveling to “the other side of time” to retrieve an antidote for a curse he is currently afflicted with, the dreaded curse of the TIME LIMIT!  OH GOD, IT BURNS!  Anyway, the only cure is to hop around in a parallel dimension on a giant moon covered in System Shock 2 enemies while prodding giant hovering color coded amoebas in a certain order.  See?  Perfect sense.

Craziness aside, how does it play? I get the feeling that this is pretty much universally considered the worst chapter of the “Keeper of the Prophecies” campaign, which is odd, because it’s easily my favorite.  Maybe I just have bizarre taste?  More likely it’s just a case of everyone else being wrong again.  That’s twice in two reviews Everyone Else, you need to step up your game!  I mean COME ON PEOPLE, what’s not to love?  Zombies, low gravity, the ability to walk up near vertical surfaces, an over abundance of fire arrows, an ingenious central puzzle that makes the whole confusing level suddenly make perfect sense once you see the pieces snapping into place…there is no single element of this FM that I don’t want to give a great big bear-hug of approval too (or if it found that too awkward, perhaps a firm handshake of approval…followed by some light licking of its face).

"Don't mind me, just chillin' behind my forcefield. That's sorta my thing."

2.  Kill factory 2:  Escape from the Planet of the Robots

How does it rank on the crazy-o-meter? Read that title again.  How do you think it ranks on the crazy-o-meter?

Craziness aside, how does it play? Forgive me for falling into geek stereotypes by repeatedly praising anything that involves zombies, ninjas, or robots….but really folks- this has a whole PLANET of robots, it’s charms are beyond my powers to resist.  Can you honestly tell me that you never wanted to battle killer robots with a freeze ray while chomping down on glowing blue “space food”?  In fact, there’s probably a good chance that you were just daydreaming about doing that exact thing a few minutes ago before I even mentioned it.  In which case, get help, seriously.  Freak.

Get your hands off me you damn dirty robot!

1.  Anything by Kfort

How does it rank on the crazy-o-meter? Alright I admit, I’m cheating here.  No, “Anything by Kfort” is not the name of a mission, “Kfort” is the name of a FM author who specializes in crazy.  In making this list, I was presented with the problem that, with no exaggeration, EVERYTHING this author has made deserves a place on it.  If I didn’t allow myself to cheat, this would pretty much be the “Top Ten Kfort Missions”.  Some examples?  Well, there’s “The Adventures of Burrick Boy”, a contest mission about a stable boy who had his prized dinosaurs stolen by magical ape men.  Then there’s “Garrett and the Beanstalk”, which has you climbing up to a castle in the clouds and hiding from giants behind only slightly less giant furniture.  Arguably her two best missions are “Bloodmist Tower” and “Wicked Relics”, Bloodmist being my favorite when it comes to pure lunacy (you can’t beat a guy with a water fountain growing out of his head or a fluffy bunny posing as a tyrannical dictator), though Relics is the better designed and generally more coherent of the two.

Craziness aside, how does it play? If I was proposed one of those desert island scenarios where I got to choose one thing to take with me, I’m pretty sure it would be a computer with Thief installed and every Kfort mission ever made, because that would provide nearly endless hours of entertainment*.  No matter how many times you play them, the gameplay in these missions absolutely never gets stale!  They’re so hilarious in their unpredictable craziness that it’s nearly impossible to play them without a big stupid grin permanently stretched across your face.  What can I say?  Kfort knows crazy, and she knows how to make it immensely entertaining.
*Well..at least up until the point where I throw myself into the ocean for being too stupid to ask for a satellite cell phone or an easy means of creating fire.

Anyone who says magic beans aren't a prudent investment can suck it.

And there you have it folks, 10 missions to soothe your insatiable lust for the less-than-sane.  Playing these missions is the next best thing to being a drooling lunatic, and I of course mean that in the best way possible.