Top Ten Missions Made Better With Zombies

WARNING:  This article is not only full of zombies, but also spoilers.  Read my various elaborations at your own risk if you haven’t played these missions!

I’ve made no secret of my love of zombies.  It’s a hard love to have as it is doomed to remain unrequited as they will never stop lumbering towards me, arms outstretched, longing for the sweet gooey nectar of my plump amateur writer’s brain.   Still though I love them: I love them for their refusal to give up as they pound on my boarded up windows, I love them for their never-subtle social commentary*, I love them because they don’t care what people think of they’re outward appearance as they proudly march through the streets with their lower jaw and an eyeball or two missing.  Most of all though, I love them because of their way of making good things stupidly badtastically awesome things.   And yes, as you might have realized I was leading up too you astute reader you (you win a cookie- FETCH!**), that includes Thief FMs.
*OH I get it, they’re mindless and they’re in a mall! It’s a comment on consumerism! LET’S SEE YOU SURVIVE THAT STINGING BARB, AMERICA!
**Hey, I said “Fetch”! Yeah, I realize it landed in the middle of that zombie hoarde. You’ll be fine; I’ll be watching from that shrub over there.

Of course, the fact that FMs benefit heavily from a liberal smattering of zombies is something that I’ve mentioned before.  However, I get the feeling that it hasn’t sunk in with many of you yet.  You all seem so content to knock out human guards while zombies sit by themselve in a seperate room with nary a brain to feast upon, the poor little fellas.  So, to support my case, I’ve assembled a list of the top ten missions made better through the use of zombies.  PLEASE NOTE: this is not a top ten list of my favorite undead missions.  This is a list of missions that I feel were genuinely improved because of the addition of the shambling undead.  Now you know, and knowing is half the banana….or something*.
*As an unrelated side-note: I have a spellcheck program open to help me out with the words whose spelling I’m not so sure of, and at the moment it now reads “Consumerism banana”. I don’t know why, but I want one.

10. The Seven Sisters

What it would have been without zombies: …Probably still the greatest city FM ever.   This mission is huge and beautiful and has an intriguing storyline with many very human elements to it which makes it easier to get into, even if Garrett does seem to be a little bi-polar: “Here, have this journal where this guy like OH MY GOD totally says he likes you!  Also I’m gonna go steal your life savings and spend it on booze.”

What it is WITH zombies: Just about the greatest city FM ever which is huge and beautiful and has an intriquing storyline and a possibly skitzo Garrett…and then there are zombies.   Okay, so this is why I placed this one so low on the list.  It isn’t really made all that much better because of zombies, I still added it though because I enjoyed the whole undead plague storyline more than just about anything else in this incredible FM.  Shooting zombie citizens with holy water and having them turn normal again never got old, and I actually felt like I was doing some good for once; though most of them would turn human only to yell “OH NO A THIEF!” and force me to KO them.  What a way to get shafted out of being the hero.  Imagine if Superman saved someone and they were like “OH NO, AN ALIEN!” and started running around in circles screaming.  They should just be grateful Garrett doesn’t have heat vision.

What kind of twisted curse even turns our beloved HOBOS into zombies? Is nothing sacred!!

9. The Inverted Manse

What it would have been without zombies: Garrett is in possession of an ancient pagan artifact, and needs to learn it’s true meaning quickly, as it has every faction in the city breathing down his neck to get their hands on it.  He has no choice but to travel to the Magical Gumdrop Village and see Mayor McBunny immediately, for there was it forged, and only there shall it’s true meaning be revealed.  Along the way, he meets a pack of dancing squirrels who sing to him about the joys of friendship and must do battle with a platoon of happy gnomes who Garrett can only banish by shooting them with rainbows shot from his Wand of Love*.
*That wasn’t an intentional innuendo.

What it is WITH zombies: FAR, far less horrifying.
Also you have to admit that the level design, while not bad by any means, isn’t anything special- but GOD is the atmostphere great after you fill it with hot zombie sauce*!
*That also wasn’t an intentional innuendo, you sicko.

Before zombies were implemented into the storyline, this was a happy little elf rolling around in a puddle of strawberry ice cream. I know, I'm scared too.

8. Ack! There’s a Zombie in My Basement

What it would have been without zombies: Pretty much exactly what it is now, except it would have been titled “Ack! Nothing is Really Going On I’m Just Easily Horrified”.

What it is WITH zombies: Either way this would have been an above average small mansion mission, but you have to admit, with the addition of a zombie in the basement it became much more intriguing.   So many questions!  How did a zombie get in the Basement?  Is it suppose to be there?  Should I be alarmed?  Have I checked for zombies in MY basement today?  Most of all, who’s reaction to a zombie being in their basement is “Ack!”?  Though I guess “HOLY ******* **** THERE’S A MOTHER ******* ZOMBIE IN MY BASEMENT, GET THE ******* CAMERA I’M ******* YOU-TUBEing THIS ****!” would be a pretty unwieldy title.

Sure his unholy moans keep the kids up, but he's so well behaved!

7. Yume No Rozen

What it would have been without zombies: Honestly, I don’t know what this mission is WITH zombies, so I can’t even begin to guess.

What it is WITH zombies: God, I don’t KNOW!  It’s just absolutely crazy!  So uh…Garrett breaks into this house where a few maids are aimlessly patrolling and goes upstairs where uh…a possessed doll appears and suddenly everyone becomes a zombie and japanese pop music starts playing.  This is like one of those “I’m trying to be funny but only coming off as intensely creepy” japanese commercials, except there’s no one trying to sell me hairspray at the end of it.  Instead it ends with Garrett learning he died long ago and is now doomed to continuously re-live his last job.  Wow, deep man, DEEP.  In short, I don’t know what the hell this is, but I’m pretty sure that zombies made it better.

"Hey, don't ask ME what's going on in this FM, I just work here."

6. Annihilated

What it would have been without zombies: This is a hard one because the mission is basically just Garrett’s house, the zombies pretty much ARE the mission.  But let’s look at the facts- not only do Garrett and his wife clearly sleep in seperate rooms, but he’s so afraid of her that he keeps a chest full of fire arrows near his bed for protection.  He also for some reason goes to sleep spooning with his quiver of rope arrows.  I don’t know what it would have been like if zombies hadn’t shown up other than REAL awkward.

What it is WITH zombies: “Huh, the sound of my door opening?   OH GOD IT’S MY WIFE SHE MADE THE FIRST MOVE I’M DEAD MUST MAKE LEAP FOR BOX OF FIRE ARROWS.  Oh wait, it’s just an army of zombies in the hallway and she’s already been eaten.  PHEW!  Shhh my precious rope arrows- now no one will come between us.”, well, this may or may not have been Garrett’s intended mind set at the start of the mission, but the point is a whole swarm of zombies has annihilated Garrett’s unheard-of-before-now wife and now it’s time to get even Van Damme style: by blowing things up indiscrimanately.  This mission is oddly therapeutic in a way that few others are. I love it for its simplicity: here are zombies, here are fire arrows, enjoy.  By the way, the key is on the rafters in the room with the statue; there, I just made it much easier for you to get straight to the zombie splattering.  You’re welcome.

You know the zombies in an FM are really overachieving when they present you with their portfolio.

5. Bloodmist Tower

What it would have been without zombies: Pretty much exactly the same- an absolutely crazy trip through an insane level designed by a mad genius (KFort), though at one point you would be like “Y’know what would have been great here? A rave party that ends with everyone becoming a zombie.  Ah well…you can’t have everything I suppose…”

What it is WITH zombies: …but OH WAIT you can, in fact, have everything- BECAUSE THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS.
This has to be my favorite “moment” in FM history, and it wouldn’t have been possible without the help of zombies.  Come now, tell the nice zombies “thank you”.  Come on, say it!  DO IT OR SO HELP ME I WILL TURN THIS LIST AROUND.

"Whoa, back up man! No one gets in unless they on the list!"

4. Happy New Year Mr. Lambert

What it would have been without zombies: A tense, well-made murder mystery; however instead of all the killings having been commited by a rampaging zombie, they would have been commited by….uh…hmmm….well actually considering the supernatural elements involved in all the murders there really isn’t anyone other than a vengeful spirit that could have commited them.  If this mission was zombie-less, everyone would probably do the only sensible thing and blame all the killings on Harrison Ford.  He’d be innocent of course, but at least we would get to see a chase scene on the roof of a train or something.

What it is WITH zombies: I should say that this mission represents a bit of childhood wish fulfillment for me.  Every frigging week I would watch Scooby-Doo and hope to GOD that it would actually be a monster this time and not some old guy in an absurdly elaborate ghost costume. Is it asking too much, I would think, to just ONE WEEK have Shaggy reach to pull off some monster’s “mask” only to pull on actual skin and have the tied up abomination bite his face off*?  Well guess what? This time it actually IS a monster behind it all; it’s about DAMN TIME.  My ten your old self would be floored. For that reason alone I have to say that this mission was made better with zombies.
*At which point the monster would be all “Oh HEY, all this time he was just a bunch of blood and viscera in disguise; and he would have gotten away with it too if not for me biting his face off, lawl!” ….too much?

Alright, the jig is up Old Man Henderson! Take off the mas- OH GOOD GOD MY ORGANS!

3. Weekend Getaway

What it would have been without zombies: Given my natural fear of hotels, probably not much scarier. And I’m not just talking about the proven fact that all hotel rooms have been haunted ever since the day I read “The Shining”.  Have you ever stolen a towel or something from a pricey hotel room and then turned in your key to the room at the front desk?   I swear those clerks can stare into your very soul and feed upon the guilt within!

What it is WITH zombies: Every time I stay in a hotel room I expect the door to the room to burst open and a zombie hungering for human flesh to stumble in. This mission proves that my perhaps outlandish fear is justified.   I HATE hotels, and this mission shows exactly why- they’re an evil spirit infestation just waiting to happen.  With its inclusion of zombies, this mission is like something out of my nightmares, and I respect that. Had it featured no zombies it would have painted an entirely false picture of hotels: that you can stay in them without the possibility of an undead monster eating you in your sleep.

Oh GREAT. First the overpriced room service now ZOMBIES?! I'm paying $85 a night for this freaking room!

2. Left For Dead

What it would have been without zombies: Well, considering the fact that the mission starts with Garrett being dead, if the whole zombie thing had never come into effect it would have been an FM simulating what it’s like to be a rotting corpse.  This I suppose means that “Left for Dead” is one the missions that is most improved via zombies, as I can’t imagine gameplay elements such as “tap “w” to decompose” and “click left mouse to be stinky” would have been all that compelling.

What it is WITH zombies: You play “Zombie Garrett”.   I mean…do I really have to say anything else to sell this mission to you? Zombie Garrett! My brain is going into violent spasms just trying to comprehend exactly how awesome that is!  Sure, it doesn’t really change the gameplay a whole lot, besides the fact that you can throw around your head and use it as a scouting orb (!!!!!!<—that was me trying to contain my excitement about the previous statement) and the fact that your arms look all skeleton-ey.  It’s most certainly a gimmick, but when you have a gimmick that is this entertaining, it goes a long way.  Also, I have a feeling that playing this while listening to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” might be something truly special. Wait a sec…*tries it*…OH….MY…GOD.  If I worked for a science institute that studied good ideas, we would all be shaking hands and congratulating each other right now, because I think I just stumbled upon the best one ever.

"GARRETT! LIVES YE STI- oh....oh...I'm so sorry. Wow...awkward."

1. Deceptive Perception

What it would have been without zombies: Right near the end of the FM, Garrett finds a note that reads “We’re here.”, he turns around to witness a horror that turns the blood in his veins to ice water!  It’s the entire cast of the popular-for-some-reason 90’s tv show “Friends”, and they’re each holding a script for pilot episodes of their own seperate spin-off sitcoms.  As the horrible barrage of pitches for terrible prime time comedy begins Garrett sees no other option, and throws himself out of a nearby window; he faintly hears the sound of David Schwimmer saying “-and what if my character had a monkey for a roommate?   Wouldn’t that be WILD?!” before he hits the pavement and sweet merciful darkness takes him.

What it is WITH zombies: An FM with THE GREATEST FREAKING “HOLY CRAP I JUST SIMULTANEOUSLY HAD A HEART ATTACK AND MESSED MYSELF” ENDING EVER!  Maybe it’s possible to use zombies in a more skillful way than shocking the player by having them turn around after reading an eerie letter and seeing a previously empty room now being full of undead all moaning and stomping towards them with arms outstretched: maybe, but I haven’t seen it done yet.  The ending to “Deceptive Perception” is one of the most shocking moments in FM history, and might I add, it’s brought to you by zombies.  You might say that it’s kind of a downer of an ending, but HEY, the screen goes black so who knows what happened next? Yeah…I guess anything other than “Garrett gets eaten eyeballs first” seems pretty unlikely, huh?

"UUUuuuuuugghhh...SPOOoooILeeeeRRRRrrSss...uuuuuuuuhhhhhh"

Well there you have it boys and girls, my list of the top ten missions whose entertainment value was given a big shambling brain-eating shot in the arm thanks to zombies. In the slightly paraphrased words of Homer Simpson “…Is there anything they can’t do?”. No. No there isn’t.

OH, one more thing. WE’RE HERE.

…..

Admit it, you turned around! And uh…if a dozen or so zombies did in fact appear behind you I apologize profusely, though I do find it quite awesome that I apparantly have zombie-summoning super powers.