The Seven Sisters

THE SEVEN SISTERS
By: Lady Rowena

Long ago I promised in this FM’s thread over in the TTLG forums that I would review it, and being the predictably lazy bastard that I am, I never got around to it. Why am I doing it now when everyone already knows it’s phenomenal and absolutely worth the download? Why!? Why did Columbus sail across the sea to discover America when everyone told him it was suicide? Why did Louis and Clark explore whatever it was that they explored that made them so famous (I’m sure I’ll get around to wikipedia-ing that before I post this…)?? Why? WHY!? Because I’m an asshole- that’s why.

“The Seven Sisters” is of course the sequel to “Rowena’s Curse”, which was created by the FM making hive mind that calls itself both “Lady Rowena” and “Eshaktaar” but is actually a single highly advanced being with pure awesome coursing through its veins (Eshaktaar would be the creator of “Ominous Bequest” and “Broken Triad”, two missions which are extremely close concept-wise to Lady Rowena’s missions yet were created at exactly the same time eliminating the possibility of one of them influencing the other. Maybe the idea of them being a singular giant pulsating brain in a jar hooked up to several computers running DromEd is a bit of a stretch, but I’m not ready to take off my tinfoil hat just yet). Actually it’s more of a follow-up to “Rowena’s Curse” than a full out sequel, the story of the previous FM only influencing this one in minor ways. The story here is a tale about a happy marriage and the zombies that tear it apart. That’s what I like about Lady Rowena, she gives the ladies their romantic subplot and us guys she gives the zombies, gore, and one-liner spewing robots on motorcycles.

Actually, while I’m on the subject of the story, this is a perfect time to discuss my one and only problem with this mission. The characterization of Garrett. Now first of all, I’m all for FM authors re-interpreting Garrett a bit to match their writing style, but if you don’t stay true to the heart and soul of the character you might as well just change the main character’s name (this is an easy fix that for some reason not many authors think of). Garrett in the original games was a total dick who only was saving the world because his own ass was on the line. In “The Seven Sisters” Garrett is a big huggable softy with a heart of gold that believes in the healing powers of love and probably owns “The Notebook” on DVD and sobs into a tissue at the end of the movie while shouting “GO TO HIM!” at the screen. Saving your friend Basso because he is an old reliable accomplice is one thing, and I could totally swallow that when it happened- on the other hand, having an objective appear that tells me to let someone know that they’re loved is totally another thing. Why would Garrett care?! Why would he risk zombies eating the area in and around his face just to play love connection!? Why must you threaten my masculinity by putting me in dangerously close proximity to emotions!? But GOD if it wasn’t adorable when I reunited that baby burrick with its owner…but that’s COMPLETELY different!

As far as issues with this FM go, that’s about all I can think of. I’d nitpick but this FM is completely nit-less and any attempted picking of said nits would be fruitless. The level design is absolutely gorgeous to the point where you could mash the “print screen” key the entire time you’re playing it and end up with about 4,000 worthy desktop backgrounds. Not only that but the levels are built in such a way that it plays as good as it looks. I didn’t even mind the occasional too brightly lit street full of patrolling guards. We Thief players are getting too damn good at this, I like it when an FM actually tempts us to use the tools we have at our disposal (even if it means ruining our perfect ghost and subsequently being exiled from our hometowns leading our children’s children to look at us in disgrace while we sit huddled under a tree for shelter while the rain beats down around us, all the time wondering what life would have been like if we hadn’t used that moss arrow).

Actually I just thought of another problem. There are a couple doorways in the mission with metallic frames around them, but soft flooring on either side, so of course sneaking isn’t on your mind until you walk through them and CLANK! everyone is unsheathing their swords and giving you that “You’d best quickload before our terrible fight AI kicks in and things get awkward” look. I’m not happy that I had to make myself look like an ass for bringing up something so inane but this is cheap. That, however, is about the last possible problem I think I can come up with. I’m pushing my whineiness about as far it can go and I swear I just can’t think of anything else to cry about…you know what that means, get out your hymnbook because I’m about to sing some more praises.

The game has 4 missions (It almost seems like I should have gotten to this earlier in the review?), one is an introduction which is uneventful but pretty, the other two are basically the same town mission split into two parts called nights one and two, and the last is something completely different I wouldn’t spoil here (I’ll just say get ready for some HARDCORE NUDITY). The idea of exploring the same level twice might sound tedious, but missions two and three really feel completely original, and stand on their own surprisingly well. Most buildings are explored only on one specific night, meaning that other than the main streets, you aren’t just going through the same old places again on the next mission. Night One does a great job of teasing you as far as what’s in store in the next mission by giving you only one lockpick which means that doors you can only half pick you will have to come back to on the next night. Unlocking those doors on the following night results in much giddy giggling followed by a whole lot of nervously wondering if anyone heard you. In short, there’s a whole lot of gameplay here, and it’s all brilliantly planned out and fun.

So, is “The Seven Sisters” worth downloading? As I said in the second sentence which you all probably got to before you stopped reading, yes. Is it one of the greatest FMs of all time? Definitely. Is it THE greatest FM of all time? I’m not so sure…but if it and “Ominous Bequest” and “Calendra’s Legacy” had a cage match, it would certainly be the one holding the foldable chair.